How I'm Prepping for a Colonoscopy and Endoscopy Without Completely Spiraling (....Probably)

If you're reading this, chances are you're either:

A) about to have a colonoscopy or endoscopy

B) curious about what the experience is like for someone with a chronic illness

C) My family checking in on my health (Hi dad!)

D) just here for the CHAOS

Whatever category you ended up falling into, sit back, relax, grab your nearest heating pad (or ice pack if you're a psychopath), electrolytes and a snack, we're going in.

Let's get one thing straight, I'm not the brave, fearless type when it comes to medical procedures. Dental procedures? I'm SAT. Fill a cavity, do a root canal, I'll take a nap (p.s. I've only ever had 4 cavities when I was like 6 okay, relax.) I can handle a dentist office with ease. When it comes to the Opthamologist, I just try to go home without a stronger prescription than I walked in with at this point. Catch me at a doctors appointment? Shaking like a LEAF! Call me a Chihuahua in the freezer the way my anxiety acts up. Blood doesn't freak me out, I can handle other people's and my own pretty well, so blood draws don't even set me off that much, but just a regular old doctors appointment will have me stressing for 2-3 business days beforehand. So naturally, the thought of having a tube DOWN MY THROAT???? Let alone the other end... catch me having a panic attack in the bathroom while everyone's at work today. It'll happen. I'll be alright, but it will more than likely happen. This is going to be.... character building. And that's a good thing I suppose, but fear is natural.

You see, most of my fear stems from the fact that my grandmother has been on a ventilator for almost 8 months. Recently, she successfully weaned herself off of it, but it was 7 extreme months of therapy, learning to breathe and talk again, and pain. It has been extremely traumatic for her, and for us as her family members. So, to think of a tube of any kind going down my throat, that's extremely terrifying to me.

But, chronic illness doesn't exactly come with a "skip procedure" button, so I'm going to do what I always do when something freaks me out... plan the heck out of it, ask a laundry list of questions, allowing myself to panic a little in private so I don't do it in public, and trying to find the funny parts wherever I can.

Step 1: Writing my Question List like it's a Thesis

In my therapy session this past week, I was talking a lot about how this procedure freaks me out a little bit, so we came up with some questions that would be important to know the answers to, and I am sharing them with Jared, who is driving me to the appointment. There's a few for before and after, the "after" set he will be more in charge of, but we're both walking into this appointment wanting as many answers as we can get. I have been dealing with so much nausea, pain in my upper abdomen, feeling full fast, and a whole slew of digestive issues for over 3 years, so we really want as many answers as we can get. I've even messaged ahead to my doctors office and requested extra biopsies be taken during the procedure so we can test everything possible.

If there's one thing I've learned as a chronically ill person, it's that you have to advocate for yourself like you're defending a dissertation. Only YOU know what your body does, feels like, and how it reacts to things. It's important to highlight these things until a doctor listens to them. So yes, I will be the person in the hospital gown making sure that I have all of my questions answered before they ask me to count down from 10. I'm not exactly sorry about it, either.

Step 2 - Colonoscopy Prep = A Humbling Time

There's no delicate way to say this... the prep is going to wreck my intestines, my pride, and probably put a solid dent in my will to exist. The strange flavors, the volume, the sheer amount of liquids and laxatives that I have to drink in the next week, It's a full body experience.

I've been given specific instructions to start with MiraLax 7 days before the procedure, and then do the whole prep, so at the very least, I've been seeing a lot of my restroom this last week. But, here's how I've made it bearable:

• Comfy Clothes that don't hug the bottom of my stomach - I have had some pretty bad pain in the lower half of my stomach, and I love high waisted pants, so I've been wearing ones that don't hug me as tightly as others might!

• Dedicated bathroom setup - febreeze, baby wipes, plenty of toilet paper, and honestly sometimes a phone charger are needed in these endeavors. invest appropriately.

• I downloaded games on my phone to play while I watch youtube in the corner because I was definitely bored after a while.

Also, I'm honestly treating myself like a five-year-old the whole time, but not expecting others to. I'm giving myself pep-talks, bribes, snacks after my stomach stops cramping for the first time in an hour, I do what I must.

Step 3: Coping With Medical Anxiety (Without Pretending It's Not There!)

I'm not doing that thing where I tell myself "It's FINE!" when it clearly isn't, and hasn't been for long enough that I need this procedure in the first place. Instead, I'm allowing myself to be quietly nervous and prepared at the same time. I'm letting my fear exist, without letting it take the wheel, but also getting ready for a few different outcomes in order to secure maximum self-comfort for the day.

Some tools in my fear management toolbox (no matter how silly they may sound)

• Deep breathing with overly dramatic exhales (bonus points if you get into a "who can be more dramatic" competition with your driver on the way to the appointment to make you giggle)

• Talking to someone who gets it, or doesn't just tell me to "calm down" or that "it will be fine". Unfortunately, my anxiety doesn't magically go away with a short reassurance, I need a longer explanation or a plan in place for if things go wrong. It's something I'm really working on, but it's the reality of what I deal with on a daily basis.

• Reminding myself that this procedure might actually help explain some of the pain I've been dealing with and what I've been going through for over 3 years, and that's extremely important to me.

• Packing a backpack that can hold my clothes and a few comfort items that help with my anxiety or chronic pain.

Also, let's be honest, if you're scared, that doesn't mean you're weak. It means that you're smart enough to know that this stuff matters.

Step 4: What My Planning Includes!

I know that I have a lot of weird and specific anxiety triggers, but I have come an extremely long way in my anxiety journey. However, that still means that I carry around items with me, daily, that may help me comfort myself in a time of need, Since this is a procedure, I'm also going to bring a few things that I normally wouldn't carry on me, just so I can make sure that my loopy-self is taken care of to the best of my ability!

1 - What I'm Wearing To The Appointment - I've been told that it's best to wear comfortable sweatpants and a t shirt or sweatshirt, as well as socks and a comfortable bra. I don't really know if my heat tolerance can handle wearing sweatpants in the beginning of August, so I'm planning on just wearing some loose athletic shorts and a t shirt. I know I'll be changing into a gown for the procedure, but I want to be as comfortable as possible so I don't have to change after I get home from the office.

2 - What I'm Bringing In My Bag? - A while ago, Jared gifted me a fidget toy called a "Little Ouchie" that is spiky and i absolutely love it, so that will be coming with me! I am also planning on bringing along a stuffed animal, just because I have a few of them left and I honestly just liike the comfort that they bring. I have a small one that I got when I got my grandmother a bear, so I might bring that one along with me just for an little extra companion!

3 - Writing all the Questions I have and Sharing Them with Jared - I made a list of about 11 questions with my therapist that are just general questions about the procedure and the results that I have. I shared these with Jared because he's going to be my driver and takign care of me for the day (thank you!!), and there's a few questions for after the procedure that I may not remember the answers to. Sharing them with him makes sure that he can get the answers written down and I can have them until I get the results back.

Step 4: The Role That My Person Plays

Everyone knows that when you go for a colonoscopy, endoscopy, or any kind of out-patient procedure that you get put under for, you need someone to drive you to and from the appointment. Who this person is, is essential, because you need to trust them with not only the possibility of hearing the results of what your insides look like, but they have to take care of you when you're in a state that is completely altered and you can't take care of yourself. For me, I was going to have my best friend take me, who's in nursing school, but Jared ended up being able to get the day off, so he will be able to take me!! He plays a super important role in my procedure, he is officially in charge of making sure I:

• Get to the procedure on time (He's always early, so this one's in the bag!)

• Don't skip the important questions

• Don't Immediately fall asleep in the parking lot afterword

He is also under "strict" orders to never say anything like "it's not a big deal". It is to me. And that's okay. Sometimes relationships are about holding your hand. Other times they're about them rubbing your back while you barf. It's all about balance, really.

Step 5: Planning Recovery Like I'm Coming Home from Battle

I'm not pushing myself to boune back right away. I'm clearing the day, turning off expectations, and turning off the big light so I can take a nap.

My recovery plan includes:

• Hydration (because prep is RUDE)

• Soft, bland foods that are easy for Jared or I to make (Don't hate me, but I love instant mashed potatoes, so those are on the menu for sure)

• Rest, rest, and did I mention rest? even if it means moving around the schedule for things I "should" do. I have the whole week before planned out so I can take care of everything for the next 2 weeks, just in case I need extra time to recover.

• Communicating that I'm going to need extra softness for a few days with the people I live with. They won't expect me to bounce back, either, but if I don't communicate my needs and wants with people, they will never be able to help me.

This is the time to treat my body like it climbed a mountain, it's not the time to go want to fold laundry. The body will be confused, tired, and possibly a little bit mad. I'm letting that be okay.

Newsflash: You can still be Scared and Still Show Up

I used to think that being afraid meant I wasn't strong. That I had to be this brave, unshakable patient all the time. But, the truth is, showing up while scared might be the most courageous thing any of us can do. So, if you're about to have a procedure, a scary appointment, or just another round of "lets poke around and see what's wrong" please know that you are not alone. You're allowed to be messy, anxious, uncertain. That's real strength too. But, always keep in mind as well, that you are the only one who can control your own anxiety. You're in charge, so act like it. In the mean time? Keep your tea warm, your favorite support humans close, and questions ready. You got this.

Peace, Love, and All the Above, Ella Marie <3